Safety Bulletin September, 2023

Resolving Personal Conflict

Conflict is often the result of unmet needs. Some examples of needs are recognition, fairness, understanding, security, predictability, and balance. Try to understand your needs in a way that’s not just wishing someone else to change what they’re doing. Sometimes, conflict seems overwhelming.

We may wonder why we can’t resolve issues easily and feel frustrated and hurt. Sometimes, we may believe the conflict is someone else’s fault entirely and don’t see our part in it. At other times, we may think it’s all our fault. It may be hard to accept, but your needs and the needs of the person you’re in conflict with are both important. Resolution happens when everyone’s needs are met.

Get a different perspective

You may be going through some challenges unrelated to the conflict, which reduce your ability to respond effectively. When you step back, you may be able to see that the issue itself isn’t insurmountable. But, because of everything else going on, you may have a lower tolerance.

Get a second opinion

Discuss the facts of the conflict with a trusted person who can help you check your perception.

Manage your emotions

Often, strong emotions make resolving conflict a challenge. Sometimes, it’s difficult to manage our emotional reactions and see what can be changed for the situation to get better. A trained counsellor can help us learn to manage our emotional reactions more effectively.

Don’t blame or shame others

When we accuse someone else or point out their flaws, their natural reaction may be to justify, defend, counterattack, or withdraw. It’s hard to be open to new ideas and resolve conflict when we think we’re under attack.

Don’t see yourself as a victim

If we believe we’re under attack, our natural reaction may be to justify, defend, counterattack, or withdraw. We may also look for evidence that everyone’s against us and have difficulty seeing the positives.

Think about underlying issues

If you have a conflict with someone, it’s unlikely you’re their biggest concern. Consider what might be behind the other person’s behaviours.

Talk it out

Once you understand your own needs, sit down in private with the other person and seek to understand their needs. Find out what’s necessary for you both to resolve the on-going issues. Focus only on the solution (what changes can be made), even if the other person goes back to the problem.

Get commitment instead of compliance

When everyone involved is part of creating the solution and walking away with their dignity intact, long-term success is much more likely. When someone is threatened, forced into action, or can’t see the benefit of the change, they may not feel as committed to the resolution.

Let it go

Whether the resolution is exactly what you hoped for or just good enough, don’t let it continue to affect your well-being. If you need help letting go of negative or frustrating thoughts, reach out to someone who can help, like a trusted friend or counsellor. Holding on to these thoughts can be damaging to your mental and physical well-being.